In Defense of Small Talk – The Art of Rapport
Recently, I was on a video call with a consultant. As she tinkered with her video settings, she asked me how I was doing. “Fine,” I responded, and continued multi-tasking until the very last second.
“How is your family doing,” she pressed. “Oh! Didn't you just take a fun vacation?”
And I perked up. "Yes! It was fabulous!" We proceeded to spend the next 7 or 8 minutes of our 45-minute meeting catching up on family, holidays, and swapping travel stories. Turns out, we had each gone on a ski trip in Tahoe and missed each other by a week! And you know what? I LOVED catching up in this meaningful way.
I know more about her now. And I definitely feel more connected. It’s not that we weren’t friendly – we were – but now I know more details and insights into her life. In 8 minutes, I learned that she loves tapas (me too!), she has two kids (me too!), that she grew up on the east coast, and she was sick of the rainy weather (me too!)!
The conversation left me feeling like I was in good hands. Like I chose the right partner. Like I could trust her.
Now, we have rapport: a “friendly and harmonious relationship.” This sweet little conversation, I realized, almost never happens with other business calls. Is the art of building rapport dying? And if so, how ARE we creating fast, intimate connections in this pseudo-remote world?
Can rapport survive in a world of high-pressure and limited availability?
Despite the early days of the pandemic when we had to learn to slow down and settle in, it seems we’re all busier and more scheduled than ever. So, what did we take from that shelter-in-place experience? Well, I think we’re more guarded with our time, our priorities, and we set firmer boundaries.
In this remote or hybrid world, it’s all about efficiency. An app for chatting, an app for scheduling, an AI assistant to take notes for you, a transcription service, a virtual assistant. Done! That efficiency approach/myth has bled into our meetings - we’re here for business and business only!
In the days of total in-person work, there would be jokes, small talk, and chit chat as we walked the halls or found our seats around the conference table. There were group dinners and happy hours and coffee runs. Plenty of opportunities for interaction and connection.
So today, if you manage to get a face-to-face meeting, the stakes are higher than ever. It’s on – you better use that time wisely, make an impression, close business, and get it done.
In a world where every moment and every interaction counts, pleasantries aren’t the priority.
The new language of rapport
Maybe it’s just that rapport has evolved, and not evaporated completely.
Sure, the conversation with my consultant was a fun anomaly. But interestingly, texting, DMs, Slack, and even social media have eased their way up in preference and frequency.
There’s an ease with that way of interacting. It used to feel intrusive to text with my clients and now, it’s just part of our relationship. We follow each other on Instagram. I see pictures of their families; I see their favorite memes; I know when their kid loses a tooth. They are humanized in a way that business prospects didn't used to be.
I can think of many times when social media was the catalyst for a great conversation with a client:
“I saw that your family was sick over the holidays… I hope everyone is feeling okay now?”
“How was Hawaii? Isn’t Maui gorgeous?”
“Congratulations on your new board seat! I saw the press release on LinkedIn!”
10+ years ago, these conversation ice breakers would not have been possible.
Remember phone calls?
For better or worse, we are eternally connected to our phones. Even if we’re not doom-scrolling, our phones are always within arm’s reach, serving as personal communications hubs. Texting is easy. “Liking” is easy. We can triage emails from the school pickup line.
But there are some situations where a good old-fashioned phone call is the right thing to do. Scheduling fiascos. Honest apologies. Heartfelt conversations. Listening, in the moment. On-the-spot problem solving.
Phone calls, often just a few minutes, get to the root of a situation quickly and efficiently in a way that texts, Slacks, and emails just can’t. When done well, each party leaves with gratitude and a sense of accomplishment. And hopefully a laugh! We prioritize the laughs.
So bring back those phone calls. You can avoid a lot of confusion and frustration. And about ten extra emails.
Make time for small talk
Whether you choose to “small talk” via email, a LinkedIn chat, social media, a text (or otherwise!), it’s worth your time to show curiosity and appreciation for the relationship. It’s not work; this is how relationships are built and nurtured.
Pay attention to those in your sphere you care about. How much do you know about them beyond what’s on the surface? The next time you engage with them, engage! Inquire!
“How did that speaking engagement go?”
“Were you ever able to get away for the weekend with your husband?”
“I saw that you were skiing recently. How was the snow?”
“Congratulations on welcoming a new niece to your family – I saw the pictures you posted last week!”
Think of it less as small talk, and more about building blocks for trust and long-term mutual gains, and embrace the art of rapport.
Sometimes, it can feel like you don’t have 7 or 8 minutes in your highly scheduled day to allow for anything but productive business. Turns out, rapport and human connection ARE productive business.
As Stephen Covey said, “Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”
At Lange International, we work with executives and their teams to approach every high-stakes moment with confidence, curiosity, and poise–and have fun while doing it! We work one-on-one with leaders and also deliver keynotes and workshops for companies around the globe. Looking to level up your communication? We’d love to connect.